Memories Held In My Heart

22,377,600 seconds,
372, 960 minutes,
6216 hours,
259 days,
37 weeks,
8 months and 14 days,

...since the day you left us to be with our gracious Heavenly Father. As the days go by, the loss of you fails to grow more faint. I knew as we grew older, that life had taken us on different paths. However, the expectation of our paths crossing to share a friendly smile and watch each others life unfold never faded. It was you that made me believe that childhood friendship created an endless tie.

I am at a loss for words and understanding but am left with a few small memories. Often, I wondered as we grew older if you remembered them, if your "hi" in the hallway became flooded with them. Mine did.

I remember when I was little and my mom would take me to the mall. The first thing I would do is look for your family's vehicle, parked generally in the same spot, sometimes even with the horse trailer attached. I would always peer into the Saddle Shop, where I knew you would most likely be. I remember walking around looking at the knickknacks on the small glass shelves with you, while our mothers exchanged conversation.

I remember climbing up to the top bunk, where we would lie on opposite sides for nap time. Lying still and carefully listening, we would wait for the footsteps to disappear. When the coast was clear one would "sneakily" crawl to the other side. While others napped, we exchanged whispers. Then, when nap was over and we heard the footsteps returning for us, we'd crawl back to our respective sides and pretend to be asleep.

I was told we were inseparable, that in our four or five year old innocence you once even asked me to marry you. While I can't physically remember all the times we shared, I am convinced my heart holds each one of them, because as time goes on I often think of you. I find reminders of you following me through my week and I thank God that you were my childhood best friend.

Remembering you.

Embrace

I need change. I need to change. I want to change.

These familiar thoughts echo through my head on an almost daily basis. My journey to fill my "emptiness" continues.

New Year's is often a time of change to more then just the calendar for many people. It's the time to make new resolutions, become motivated, and have a fresh start. This year, rather then making a cliche list of "needed" self improvements, I want to learn day by day, week by week to embrace who God has made me to be. 

My goal this week is to focus on encouraging thoughts and words. 

Psalm 139: 13-18
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!

All I Can Do (Thank You) by MikesChair

I could write a love song

Tell You what I think you wanna hear

But it wouldn't be good enough, no

Yeah, I could try so hard

To give it everything I got

But I'm not ever gonna measure up

All I can do is thank You

For this life I never deserve

Wanna thank You for the grace

I know I don't have to earn

You love me, You love me

Your mercy is proof

All I can do is say thank You

All I can do is say thank You

It would have been easy

But I'm glad You never walked away

'Cause Your love runs deep for me

And I see this beautiful world

And it brings tears to my eyes

And I think it's beautiful to be free

All I can do is thank You

For this life I never deserve

Thank You for the grace

I know I don't have to earn

You love me, You love me

Your mercy is proof

All I can do is say thank You

All I can do is say thank You

Thank You for hope, for love

For all the ways You move

Thank you for everything You do

What else can I say but thank You?

Thank you 

I could write a love song

Tell You what I think you wanna hear

But it wouldn't be good enough

All I can do is thank You

For this life I never deserve

Wanna thank You for the grace

I know I don't have to earn

You love me, You love me

Your mercy is proof

All I can do is say thank You

All I can do is say thank You

To listen, follow this link: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1OE53ZMApQ‎

Emptiness...

For now this blank page stares back at me with so much emptiness. It's begging to be filled with meaning and thought. After all isn't that what a blog is for? Many changes have taken place over the last couple years when I decided to abandon this blog. The decision wasn't totally conscious. 

Like this page, some days more then others, I feel engulfed with emptiness too. This bold feeling has made a hole inside my heart. What am I lacking? I'm a newlywed. I love my job. I am blessed with a wonderful husband. A home over my head. A continued education. 

While the emptiness inside still remains a deeper question, I know the problem roots from the unintentional distance that I have created in my relationship with God. It's lukewarm and no longer satisfying. It needs immediate action. 

Living in a new town has been challenging. Left behind was my family, our church, my job, my friends, and any sort of normalcy. I knew it wouldn't be easy knowing the transition would also came with many new roles like being a wife, a first time apartment renter, a new job title, a new school, a new major and so much more. I have even taken on new interests like reading, knitting, baking, and a countless number of TV series. The person I have become through this transition has taught me to be independent. At times almost too independent. Even the person I have become has started to look unfamiliar. I didn't know the transition would take this long. While I can't complain that the ride hasn't been rather smooth, the sense of satisfaction lays far from me. Now more then ever, I thirst for it. 

It's time for action, a plan. A time to start filling my emptiness with the love of our Lord and Savior. 

"Oceans will rise and kingdoms will fall, but the word of the Lord stands FOREVER!" Isaiah 40:8 

We, my husband and I have been lacking fellowship. It's time again that we pick up from where we left off on our search to find a church we can call home again. A church filled with a sense of family, fellowship, and outreach. A church filled with encouragement and scripture. 

A new journey starts here.